英语幽默小笑话大全

对于很多同学来说，英语一直都是很受欢迎，但是当英语遇上幽默，那感觉简直就是酸爽。下面是小编搜集整理的英语幽默笑话，欢迎大家一下幽默一下，爆笑一天!

1. 问问你自己的吧

Ask Your OwnIt was a cold，raw day at Washington.Champ Clark was discussing the gamins of the cities with an English visitor.The latter expatiated on the wit of the London type of the genius.Clark declared that if the Englishman were to ask any Washington street urchin any question，the urchin would make anaptreply.They sallied forth. “What time is it，Bub?They tell me you can tell time by your nose，”said the visitor to the first newsboy they met. “Ask your own，mister，mine ain't run nin’，”was the reply.

这是华盛顿的一个阴冷天。钱普•克拉克正和一个来访的英国人讨论城市的流浪儿，英国人详细地叙述着伦敦式天才的机智。克拉克宣称，要是对方向华盛顿街上任何一个儿童提任何问题，那孩子都会对答如流。他们便出发了。 “什么时候了，小兄弟?人们说你能用鼻子报时。” 回答是：“先生，问问你自己的吧，的不在走呢。”

2. A Girl's Name 女孩的名字

When our daughter was born, we named her Myles, after my beloved late(已故的) father, despite family warning that the name was too masculine(男性的) .

Years later, when I felt she was old enough to understand, I explained to Myles, Your name is very special. I named you after my own father because I loved him very much. I know he would be proud of you.

Myles thought carefully about this and then said, I know all that, Mom. But I don't understand why my grandfather had a girl's name.

女儿出生时，我们给她取名叫迈尔斯，和我深爱的业已过世的父亲同一个名字，不过家人提醒这个名字太男性化了。

几年以后，我觉得迈尔斯已经长大，能够懂事了。我对她解释说：你的名字很特别。我给你取了一个和我爸爸一样的名字，因为我非常爱他。我相信他会为你而深感自豪的。

迈尔斯很仔细地想了一下，然后说道：这些我都懂，妈妈。可是我不知道外公为什么会有一个女孩子的名字。

3. A Present 凯特的礼物

Kate: Mom, do you know what I'm going to give you for your birthday?

Mom: No, Honey, what?

Kate: A nice teapot.

Mom: But I've got a nice teapot.

Kate: No, you haven't. I've just dropped it.

凯特：妈妈，你知道我要给你一件什么生日礼物吗?

妈妈：不知道，宝贝，是什么呀?

凯特：一把漂亮的茶壶。

妈妈：可是我已经有一把漂亮的茶壶了呀。

凯特：不，你没有了。我刚刚把它给摔了。

4. 你爷爷

A well dressed young man demanded as soon as he entered the restaurant:"Serve me, quick! Give me your best. I don't care the price."Not like the way he talked, the waiter said to him: "Hey Buddy, it doesn't matter you have a lot of money. You are still son of somebody, and grandson of somebody else."The young man raged: "Dare you! Tell me, who wants me to be his grandson?"The waiter replied with ease: "Nobody. Just your grandfather."

一位衣冠楚楚的年青人一进饭店就大声嚷嚷：“喂，有什么好菜尽管端上来，钱多少我不在乎。”服务员听了很不是滋味：“哥儿们，钱多顶个屁，你不照样得做别人的儿子，就是有人要你做孙子你也不敢不做!”年青人勃然大怒：“谁敢占老子的便宜?你说，是谁不要命了，胆敢要老子做他的孙子?”服务员慢条斯理地答道：“你爷爷!”

5. Not so fast 别那么急嘛

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala(欢庆的) charity event was taking place.

Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

"Great idea!" the chicken cried."Let's offer hem1 ham and eggs?"

"Not so fast," said the pig testily2. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."

一只猪和一只鸡路过一所教堂，那里有一场盛大慈善活动正在进行着。

在精神上收到触动的猪向小鸡提出建议：他们每个人作出点自己的贡献。

“好主意!”鸡尖叫道，“让我们给腿和鸡蛋吧?”

“着什么急”猪不耐烦地说，“对你来说，是一个贡献，对我来说，这是一个完全的献身。”

6. 他正在拍照

Two sisters were looking at a book of religious pictures and came across a painting of the Virgin and the baby Jesus.

姐妹俩在看一本宗教画册时，刚好看到一幅圣母玛利亚和圣婴耶稣的图画。

"See there," said the older sister, "that's Jesus, and that's his mother."

姐姐说：“瞧，这是耶稣，这是他的妈妈。”

"Where's his dad?" the younger girl wanted to know.

“他的爸爸在哪里?”妹妹想知道。

Her sister thought for a moment and explained, "Oh, he's taking the picture."

姐姐想了一会儿，解释道：“噢，他正在拍照。”

7. 我还以为那是我的手

Absent-minded Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet! Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket? Absent-minded Professor: Yes, but I thought it was mine. 教授：天哪!有人偷了我的钱包! 妻子：你难道没感觉到一只手伸进你的口袋? 教授：感觉到了，可我还以为那是我的手呢?

8. 他死了

If you refuse to marry me, he swore, I shall die. She refused him. Sixty years later, he died. 如果你不答应嫁给我，他发誓，我就要去死。六十年后，他死了。

9. 帮我爸爸做我的家庭作业

Jimmy: Hey, Amy, aren't you coming out to play? Amy: No, I have to stay in and help my father with my homework. 基米：嘿，艾米，你不出来玩吗?艾米：不了，我必须留在家里，帮我爸爸做我的家庭作业。

10. 我不敢想象

Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?" Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from." 客人：“为什么你的狗狗坐在那儿老是看着我吃东西呢?”旅馆主人：“我不敢想象，除非是因为你拿了它经常用来吃东西的盘子了。”

11. 我不能说是哪一年

Palmist: The life line in your hand tells that you will die in a year. Customer: Good gracious! In a year? Palmist: Yes, but I can't say in which.手相大师：你手上的生命线显示出你还有一年将会死去。顾客：天哪，一年后?手相大师：是的，可是我不能说是哪一年。

12. 给我那个打赢的

Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. -- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. -- Well, bring me the winner then.服务员，这个龙虾只有一只爪。对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。哦，那给我那个打赢的吧。

13. 在电话本上

Boy: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" girl: "It's in the phone book." Boy: "But I don't know your name." girl: "That's in the phone book too." 男：我想给你打电话。你的电话号码是多少?女：在电话本上呢。男：可是我不知道你的名字呀。女：也在电话本上呢。

14. 粗心的教授

The absent-minded professor shouted: "Kate, come to the blackboard!" Another student says, "Kate is absent, Professor." "Silent! Let Kate speak for herself."粗心的教授大声地喊道：“凯特，到黑板前面来!”另外一个学生说：“教授，凯特没来。”“别出声，让凯特自己讲。”

15. 我可以存多少钱

Husband: Before I married you, I never thought of saving money.Wife: And now?Husband: Now I'm thinking About how much I could have saved if I hadn't married you.丈夫：在娶你进门之前，我从来没有想过要存钱。妻子:那现在呢?丈夫：现在我在想，要是没有娶你的话，我可以存多少钱。

16. 你踩到我脚了

Dentist: Please stop howling. I haven't even touched your tooth yet. Patient: I know. But you are standing on my foot! 牙医：请不要再叫了，我都还没有挨着你的牙齿啊! 病人：但是，亲，你可知道，你踩到我脚了!!!

17. 慢行

Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning? Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到? 汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,就看见一个牌子上写着学校----慢行。

18. A maintenance man in a cemetery

He is really somebody My uncle has 1000 men under him. He is really somebody. What does he do? A maintenance man in a cemetery.

他真是一个大人物，我叔叔下面有1000个人。他真是一个大人物。干什么的?墓地守墓人。

19. Five Hundred Times

In the traffic court of a large mid-western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes. A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. "You are a school teacher, eh?" said he. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write 'I went through a red light' five hundred times."

在中西部一个大城市的交通法庭里，一位年轻女士被带到法官面前，她由于开车闯红灯被开了罚单。女士向法官解释，她是一名学校老师，请求法官马上处理她的案子，以便可以赶回去上课。法官眼中闪过一丝狡黠，说道：“你是学校的老师，对吗?女士，我马上要实现我毕生的愿望了。在那张桌子旁坐下，写‘我开车闯了红灯’500遍。”

20. Who Should be Given the Present

A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present, “Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?” he inquired. There was silence and then a chorus of voices: “You play with it, Daddy!”

一个有五个孩子的父亲带着一件玩具回到家里，把孩子们召集来问这件礼物应该给谁。“谁较听话，从不和妈妈顶嘴，让干什么就干什么?”他问道。大家都不吭声。过了一会儿，孩子们异口同声地说：“爸爸，您玩儿吧。”